Skip to content
  • Home
  • The why
  • Contact me
clear

Catching the Curveball

The art of dealing with the unexpected

the art of dealing with the unexpected

In:DirectionPositiveReality

Denial the shock absorber for the soul

February 7, 2018February 6, 2018

There is no rule book to grief. Nor should there be. Everyone copes differently.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross famously wrote about the 5 stages of grief. Others speak of 7. But it seems to me that there is no set number, nor any set order to the stages. Although what seems to be universally true, is that reaching a level of “acceptance” seems to be the moment at which people affected by grief are able to lift their eyes to the horizon and begin to step into to their forever-altered, new normal.

How you will cope with your grief will be unique to you. You may experience one “stage” quickly and then never experience it again, or you might re-visit that emotion time and time again. Somewhat like walking up the tower of Pisa, touching on the same vertical columns several times, as you walk the upward spiral.

We all have grief moments in our life. It might be the loss of a loved one, a relationship breakdown, a forced career change, difficult rifts within the family, the death of a pet, a missed opportunity, a natural expectation crushed, or a devastating health diagnosis.

Knowing how different people react to grief can be helpful if only to know, that you are not alone.

In the coming posts I thought I would explore each stage of grief.

The Saving Grace of Denial

Denial is often stated to be the first stage of grief and it is usually a completely healthy and necessary part of the grieving process. In fact, spending a few days or weeks in a form of denial can literally help us to survive the loss. I wrote a bit about giving ourselves permission to “lose it” in my earlier post “when the dumpers keep coming”.

Receiving the harsh news generally comes as a shock. In the instant we go cold and numb. Things can seemingly happen in slow motion. Our minds work overtime, trying to process the news but we can’t. It is too much to take in. It takes everything within us to focus on the next steps, the motions we are expected to, or know we should, take – but we do these things almost in a dream like state. Everything seems surreal.

In the days that follow, everything around us becomes meaningless. We wonder how other people can even go about their daily lives when all we want is for the world to stop. In fact, what we really want is for time to reverse. We wake up day after day and for fleeting seconds we hope that it has all been some awful dream. Our own world has been shaken to the point where routine daily tasks can feel quite overwhelming and sometimes life itself makes no sense. At times we wonder how we will cope and whether we have what it takes to go on.

A healthy denial stage can at this very critical point, give us a period of grace. It is as if the denial shelters us so that we are left dealing with only those things we can handle. It gives us time to absorb the distressing news at a pace that doesn’t send us into a destructive tailspin. As we absorb the possibility of the reality slowly, we then start to subconsciously consider our rational next steps.

C. S. Lewis put it this way:

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It protects us until we are equipped to cope with reality.

Coping with the denial phase

Denial is necessary, but for it to be healthy it must be temporary. While there isn’t any set time frame that applies, there must be an end to this phase, or it will destroy you or those around you.

That is why it is so very important to have some strategies to help you to surface from the denial phase.

They might include keeping a journal, so that you can express all your feelings without censoring them for others. Reading back over those thoughts might then help you identify your fears about your future and what your “new normal” might entail. Reviewing your thoughts might also help you identify honestly any irrational beliefs you might have about your circumstances.

Another strategy might be to open up to one or two trusted friends or to find a support group if you feel your friends can’t understand your circumstance.

A professional psychologist will also be able to help you work through your emotions and give you the tools to help you find your own confidence to take next steps.

Supporting others in denial

If you know someone going through grief – it is really important to allow them the time to navigate this denial phase.

It is tempting to “jump in” and try to fix things, or to dismiss denial thinking as irrational and unhelpful.

But that is not helpful. Instead give the grace of time and allow your loved one to live for a while in denial, Give them the mental space to process the distressing circumstance they face, and then walk alongside them as they slowly come to terms with the gravity of the reality they face.

If you don’t know quite what to say (or what not to say) then jump online and have a read of resources that will help you to support others. The 10 best and 10 worst things to say to someone in grief is a great place to start!

If you genuinely fear that your loved one is stuck in the denial phase, then do what you can to encourage them to visit their doctor (perhaps offer to go with them) so that they can get the professional advice they need to move forward.

As denial fades and reality is brought into focus, the feelings that were also denied, will begin to surface.

Next week’s post will address the anger phase of grief.

If you have any of your own insights to add on how you have dealt with denial (or helped others in denial), please feel free to comment. I always love to hear your feedback!

denial, grace, grief, healthy, shock

Post navigation

Previous postConversations that matter
Next postLife is too short to leave love unspoken

Related Posts

Surviving Christmas
Surviving Christmas – tips for…
Overcoming sadness
Overcoming sadness
Defined by your response
Defined by your response

Hello

I am Zinta Harris. I live in Brisbane, Australia with my husband of 25 years, Craig (known by most as Harry) and our two children Teja and Zigi. I am a specialist wills and estates lawyer by day and inspiration seeker by night. I help Australian families navigate the legal fallout after the loss of a loved one in a calm and compassionate way. My mood is better after a daily double shot coffee and a glass or two of bubbles. I get my energy from people. My superpower is encouraging others. It is my sincere hope that this blog will encourage you. I hope it gives you a chance to chime in with your experience or to feel part of a community that has walked through a valley and made it through. Read about me

Check out my new book! “Rest in Peace” – how to manage an estate dispute without inheriting heartache

https://resolveestatelaw.com.au/

Popular posts

Embracing a new season
Embracing a new season
Celebrating Friendship - World Down Syndrome Day
Celebrate Friendships – World Down Syndrome Day 2020!
Sunset over Florence
Italy bucket list trip insider tips – Florence

Follow me on Facebook!

Tags

Acceptance Anger Beauty Bucket list Celebrate Community Direction Family Grief Hope Identity Lifestyle Love Parenting Positive Reality Uncategorized

Insta Inspiration

The work we do in Estate Administration often take The work we do in Estate Administration often takes us across the world. Having a Latvian speaking lawyer means that we sometimes work with Latvian clients! 

Receiving these traditional goodies from the other side of the world made our week! ❤️

#latvianlawyer #estateadministration #internationalestates
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired #lawyering #attorneys #lifeofalawyer #happylawyer #womensupportingotherwomen
#womeninlaw #solopreneurs #creativeentrepreneurs
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
Today is Australia Day, Survival Day, Invasion Day Today is Australia Day, Survival Day, Invasion Day, Day of Mourning. As a non-indigenous Australian I acknowledge that today is not a day to celebrate. 

I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land where I live and work - Meeanjin (Brisbane) – the Turrbal peoples and the Jagera/Yugerra peoples and I pay my deepest respects to Elders past, present and emerging on this difficult day. 

As a daughter of immigrant parents whose land was stolen and who took refuge and built a new life in Australia - I stand with indigenous Australians today. 

Yet I am torn between thankfulness for all that living in Australia means to us - and mourning with you on what this awful date marks for you. 

I wish we could find a new date - unconnected to events that represent an unwelcomed occupation of this country - as the date for Australia Day so we can celebrate all that we are as one united country. 

#australiaday2023 #notthedatetocelebrate #invasionday #dayofmourning #survivalday #noprideingenocide #alwayswasalwayswillbe #changethedate #changethenation #ulurustatement
✨LAST CHANCE✨ If you are a wills and estates ✨LAST CHANCE✨

If you are a wills and estates lawyer, financial advisor, mediator or psychologist tired of seeing families battling over inheritance - come and join the next cohort of professionals getting trained in the new collaborative model taking the estates world by storm! 

Join others who are flying in from across the country to do both trainings (Core Skills and Advanced) face to face in Sydney on 2 -3 & 4 February 2023 at The College of Law Australia's new campus!

This will be the ONLY face to face training running in Sydney this year and registrations will closing at 11:59PM AEST today! 

The program teaches the unique Collaborative Practice model developed for the pre-death and post death contexts with a particular focus on multi-party and multi-capacity facilitations unique to estate matters. Coupled with practical role play training in an estates “mock file” role play series, you will receive comprehensive training for the Wills and Estates contexts not offered anywhere else!

Click this link to book now!
https://resolveestatelaw.com.au/collaborative-training/
First day of highschool for Zigi! @teja.harris off First day of highschool for Zigi! @teja.harris officially only starts tomorrow but the legend wanted to hang our with her little bro today to help settle him in! 💕

It might have something to do with that snazzy new senior's uniform she now gets to wear starting grade 10! 👔

Zigi said he was scared and nervous but he was super keen to get dressed and ready this morning! 😬

He was sad to have to take his rainbow nail polish off yesterday so we hid some glittery toenails in his shoes and his funky hair cut under his hat! 🤫

Out the door by 8am - a brand new school morning routine for us - that gives me an extra hour every day! 🙌

Bring on 2023!💥

#firstdayofhighschool #newschool #schoolday #downsyndromeawareness #newroutine 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired 
#mumslife #happymum 
#womeninlaw 
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully 
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
Did you know? ✨Before making an application for Did you know?

✨Before making an application for probate there are 7 things that a will should be checked for. 

✨If the original will can't be found, probate of a copy of the will can be applied for but only in certain circumstances. 

Want to learn more? Read our blog - link in bio. 

Need our help? Book in for a FREE 15 minute clarity call. 

#willsandestates #lawblog #blogginglife #willsandestateslawyer #whattodowhensomeonedies #estateadminstration #lossofalovedone #griefandloss #griefsupport #griefjourney
Sending out good vibes to those who are facing som Sending out good vibes to those who are facing something new this week! ✨️

It's a big week ahead for us as we 
👩‍🏫send kids back to school
💫get ready for our Sydney training and
👶count down till our first REL baby arrives! 

Thank goodness there's a public holiday in the mix! 🇦🇺

Who else is feeling the need for hope and strength this week? 👋

#mondaymotivation #mindsetmonday
#newday #newhope #newstrength 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired 
#mumslife #happymum #happylawyer 
#womeninlaw
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully 
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
#dailyquotesforyou #wisewordsoftheday 
#thoughtoftheday
#perspectiveiseverything
#havehope
Here's to surviving the first week back at work! ☕️🎉🙌
.
Facing another big week ahead trying to chanel some back to school energy as we enter a new chapter of life with both kids now highschoolers! 👩‍🏫🎒📚
.
Are you on top of the back to school prep or have you left things till the last minute? 🤪
.
Sending out good vibes to all Aussie parents this weekend!💕
.
#firstweek #saturdayvibe #chillaxing #backtoschoolagain #energyneeded #preparationiskey #parenthoodmoments #sendinggoodvibes 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired #lawyering 
#mumslife #happymum #happylawyer
#womeninlaw 
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully 
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
In the next two decades we are going to see the la In the next two decades we are going to see the largest transfer of wealth from generation to generation in Australian history. 💥

We have all heard horror stories about how disputes over inheritance can destroy families and their businesses while hard earned inheritances are diminished paying legal costs. 💔

Sometimes making a will isn't enough to stop this. Nor is choosing not to a solution. 😪

What if I told you there is a way to manage inheritance  conversations (pre death or post death) without starting a family war? 💫

Want to know more? Head to the Australian Association of Collaborative Professionals (AACP) website where you can find brochures specifically designed to outline respectful methods to manage wills and estate disputes and family inclusive estate planning. 

Checkout the links in my linktree for more details!

#collaborativeestates #collaborativepractice #teambasedresolution #Inheritance #willsandestates #legacyoflove #abetterway 
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired #lawyering #lifeofalawyer
#womeninlaw
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
Follow on Instagram
  • Facebook
  • instagram
  • linkedin
  • pinterest