Skip to content
  • Home
  • The why
  • Contact me
clear

Catching the Curveball

The art of dealing with the unexpected

the art of dealing with the unexpected

Dealing with anger in grief
In:AngerGriefReality

Dealing with anger in grief

February 15, 2018February 20, 2018

In last week’s post I spoke about the importance of denial during grief, as a “shock absorber” for the distressing reality that we all face at some point in our lives.

The denial phase must be a temporary one, or it has the potential to destroy us if we get stuck there. I suggested some tips on how to make sure you (or your loved one) can navigate that initial period as a time of grace.

As we begin to accept the reality of what has happened – whether it be a death in the family, loss of a pet, a broken relationship, miscarriage or major disappointment- other emotions can begin to surface.

Anger is often one such very strong emotion that will confront us like it or not.

The anger surfaces in a myriad of ways.

You might be angry at God or the universe for allowing the event that has caused your grief to happen. You might even be angry at the one you have lost, if for nothing else, that they have left you. You might be angry at others seemingly just for living their lives and taking people and things for granted, when your loved one was robbed of that chance. You will want to slap people in the forehead when they roll out the platitudes that that mean nothing and cut deep. You might feel angry at someone who didn’t show up in your hour of need, or the person who keeps showing up and telling you what you should do next!

In an odd way, feeling angry can ground you in the midst of the “nothingness” of your pain.

So, don’t be afraid to feel the anger – just try to manage it as best you can. Here are a few tips that might help you navigate the anger.

1. Realise that you are not being yourself.

“an abnormal reaction to and abnormal situation – is normal behaviour” Viktor Frankl

For those of us who are not “angry” people, feeling angry can be quite confronting. You might wake from a dream where we have been physical with someone or something and be surprised that you ever had that emotion in you!

For some it is far easier to feel angry than sad. You might find yourself having a short fuse with everyone and everything around you. Every little thing annoys or provokes you in a way that it never has before.

At times the anger can be quite overwhelming and at other times it might just take us completely by surprise, just when we think we have overcome it. If you can understand anger as part of the journey to healing, it will help you manage it better.

2. Express then let go of the anger

Anger can destroy. If we lash out, that can be destructive. If we hold anger in, that can be just as bad. So, having a plan on how to manage feelings of anger

If you are angry at someone who is trying to help, then try not to lash out in the heat of the moment. Take a bit of time to cool down and then calmly try to talk to them, without blame, about what they are doing that is ticking you off. They will probably welcome you telling them at the least what not to do – so they can support you in the way you need.

As a lawyer specialist in contested estate matters, clients often come to see me when they are angry. I tell my clients to go scream into a pillow (or out loud for as long and hard as you can), go for a long run, work out, punch a punching bag (or other inanimate object), write out your darkest thoughts, then scrunch them up, maybe even burn them. Sometimes my clients report back and tell me how doing things like that helped them get their feelings out.

As you express anger, it will dissipate.

3. Find freedom in forgiveness

Say whaaaat? Why, when you are the one grieving should you need to think about forgiveness? You have every right to feel pain and anger and heartache and depression! So, what do you need forgiveness for? Well, here’s the thing – in my humble, completely unqualified opinion – giving and receiving forgiveness brings freedom and healing in a way that nothing else will. When you forgive others – whether they are the ones responsible for your loss, or for the pain you feel, or whether they are the ones who have wronged you while trying their best to support you – you will break something that will otherwise have a hold over you. When you ask others to forgive you for how you might’ve lashed out – you will bring restoration to the very relationships that bring meaning to your life.

If the person you need to forgive, or need to seek forgiveness from is no longer here, then consider writing a letter to them anyway, pray, meditate and let go.

What if your anger is righteous and justified?

As a lawyer helping grieving families manage contested estate matters, clients often come to see me when they are going through the anger phase. They are so angry. Sometimes they are angry at the deceased willmaker, sometimes they are angry at other family members who seem to have had their influence, sometimes they are angry at themselves for not making peace with their loved one now gone.

Most feel righteous in their anger – they have been wronged and they come to see me to make it “right”.

From experience I know how tempting it is for a lawyer who wants to jump in and fight for fair, to allow the client’s righteous anger to start driving next steps. But I think this is a mistake. Which is why I do things differently.

I pause, and I ask my clients to pause. I ask grieving family clients to consider, that these feelings of justified anger are a part of their grieving process. I ask clients to try and articulate their deeper values, that might better drive their next steps. The value they place on their family relationships. Their underlying wish not to be fighting over money, but instead have the freedom to grieve, without managing conflict and eventually finding their way to getting on with their life with their families in tact (if that is humanly possible!).

I ask my clients to consider that if they are feeling angry, then others might feel the same way. I encourage clients to ponder the possibility that what other family members might say in anger, might be just an expression of their own grief state at that moment in time, rather than something that is meant to rip a family apart.

If often find that, how my clients (and their other family members) respond to this approach can be the difference between a matter becoming a bitter estates battle or not.

How to help others who are angry?

We tell others that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but then we are taken aback when those we are trying to help lash out. So – one way you can help, is to be prepared for the anger. It is quite likely that you (or total strangers) might cop a “spray” from time to time. Understand that the anger is just an expression of the justifiable pain that lies beneath. So that extending others the grace of letting things said in anger to roll off without taking things too personally will help you too. I don’t mean you should become a personal doormat for the person dealing with grief, but I am suggesting that you are prepared to cut them some slack.

Have a read of this brilliant article on 7 ways to support your partner through a MAJOR loss. It has some great practical tips on how to support others who are grieving (and includes some entertaining memes!).

Anger is just one part of grief. It can come once and then go, or it can be something that is experienced over and over.

“Anger is just sad’s bodyguard” – Liza Palmer

Under the anger is the pain, the very unique pain of a loss that no-one else will experience the same way.

Have you ever experienced (or seen others experience) anger during grief? What did you find helped you?

Anger, Forgivness, grief, Sadness
2 Comments on Dealing with anger in grief

Post navigation

Previous postLife is too short to leave love unspoken
Next postBargaining during grief – hope, guilt and a way out

Related Posts

The art of living after loss - visioning your new normal
The art of living after…
Acceptance in grief
Reaching acceptance in grief
Bargaining during grief
Bargaining during grief – hope,…

2 comments on “Dealing with anger in grief”

  1. Seona says:
    February 21, 2018 at 9:12 am

    Great article Zinta. The bits that resonated for me were about forgiveness (something I seem to have wrangled with often through life) and empathy. Putting yourself in the others’ shoes – imagining what it might be like for them, what hidden pain they are dealing with- I find as I have matured this gets so much easier and in fact is really a privilege. And another thing that shines through here is YOU. We often hear of estate squabbles when someone dies, but never if the lawyers who assist. Thank you for shining a light on how it is from your perspective ?

    1. Zinta says:
      February 21, 2018 at 11:02 am

      Thanks so much for taking the time to read and then to comment with such insight and encouragement!

Comments are closed.

Hello

I am Zinta Harris. I live in Brisbane, Australia with my husband of 25 years, Craig (known by most as Harry) and our two children Teja and Zigi. I am a specialist wills and estates lawyer by day and inspiration seeker by night. I help Australian families navigate the legal fallout after the loss of a loved one in a calm and compassionate way. My mood is better after a daily double shot coffee and a glass or two of bubbles. I get my energy from people. My superpower is encouraging others. It is my sincere hope that this blog will encourage you. I hope it gives you a chance to chime in with your experience or to feel part of a community that has walked through a valley and made it through. Read about me

Check out my new book! “Rest in Peace” – how to manage an estate dispute without inheriting heartache

https://resolveestatelaw.com.au/

Popular posts

Embracing a new season
Embracing a new season
Celebrating Friendship - World Down Syndrome Day
Celebrate Friendships – World Down Syndrome Day 2020!
Sunset over Florence
Italy bucket list trip insider tips – Florence

Follow me on Facebook!

Tags

Acceptance Anger Beauty Bucket list Celebrate Community Direction Family Grief Hope Identity Lifestyle Love Parenting Positive Reality Uncategorized

Insta Inspiration

The work we do in Estate Administration often take The work we do in Estate Administration often takes us across the world. Having a Latvian speaking lawyer means that we sometimes work with Latvian clients! 

Receiving these traditional goodies from the other side of the world made our week! ❤️

#latvianlawyer #estateadministration #internationalestates
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired #lawyering #attorneys #lifeofalawyer #happylawyer #womensupportingotherwomen
#womeninlaw #solopreneurs #creativeentrepreneurs
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
Today is Australia Day, Survival Day, Invasion Day Today is Australia Day, Survival Day, Invasion Day, Day of Mourning. As a non-indigenous Australian I acknowledge that today is not a day to celebrate. 

I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land where I live and work - Meeanjin (Brisbane) – the Turrbal peoples and the Jagera/Yugerra peoples and I pay my deepest respects to Elders past, present and emerging on this difficult day. 

As a daughter of immigrant parents whose land was stolen and who took refuge and built a new life in Australia - I stand with indigenous Australians today. 

Yet I am torn between thankfulness for all that living in Australia means to us - and mourning with you on what this awful date marks for you. 

I wish we could find a new date - unconnected to events that represent an unwelcomed occupation of this country - as the date for Australia Day so we can celebrate all that we are as one united country. 

#australiaday2023 #notthedatetocelebrate #invasionday #dayofmourning #survivalday #noprideingenocide #alwayswasalwayswillbe #changethedate #changethenation #ulurustatement
✨LAST CHANCE✨ If you are a wills and estates ✨LAST CHANCE✨

If you are a wills and estates lawyer, financial advisor, mediator or psychologist tired of seeing families battling over inheritance - come and join the next cohort of professionals getting trained in the new collaborative model taking the estates world by storm! 

Join others who are flying in from across the country to do both trainings (Core Skills and Advanced) face to face in Sydney on 2 -3 & 4 February 2023 at The College of Law Australia's new campus!

This will be the ONLY face to face training running in Sydney this year and registrations will closing at 11:59PM AEST today! 

The program teaches the unique Collaborative Practice model developed for the pre-death and post death contexts with a particular focus on multi-party and multi-capacity facilitations unique to estate matters. Coupled with practical role play training in an estates “mock file” role play series, you will receive comprehensive training for the Wills and Estates contexts not offered anywhere else!

Click this link to book now!
https://resolveestatelaw.com.au/collaborative-training/
First day of highschool for Zigi! @teja.harris off First day of highschool for Zigi! @teja.harris officially only starts tomorrow but the legend wanted to hang our with her little bro today to help settle him in! 💕

It might have something to do with that snazzy new senior's uniform she now gets to wear starting grade 10! 👔

Zigi said he was scared and nervous but he was super keen to get dressed and ready this morning! 😬

He was sad to have to take his rainbow nail polish off yesterday so we hid some glittery toenails in his shoes and his funky hair cut under his hat! 🤫

Out the door by 8am - a brand new school morning routine for us - that gives me an extra hour every day! 🙌

Bring on 2023!💥

#firstdayofhighschool #newschool #schoolday #downsyndromeawareness #newroutine 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired 
#mumslife #happymum 
#womeninlaw 
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully 
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
Did you know? ✨Before making an application for Did you know?

✨Before making an application for probate there are 7 things that a will should be checked for. 

✨If the original will can't be found, probate of a copy of the will can be applied for but only in certain circumstances. 

Want to learn more? Read our blog - link in bio. 

Need our help? Book in for a FREE 15 minute clarity call. 

#willsandestates #lawblog #blogginglife #willsandestateslawyer #whattodowhensomeonedies #estateadminstration #lossofalovedone #griefandloss #griefsupport #griefjourney
Sending out good vibes to those who are facing som Sending out good vibes to those who are facing something new this week! ✨️

It's a big week ahead for us as we 
👩‍🏫send kids back to school
💫get ready for our Sydney training and
👶count down till our first REL baby arrives! 

Thank goodness there's a public holiday in the mix! 🇦🇺

Who else is feeling the need for hope and strength this week? 👋

#mondaymotivation #mindsetmonday
#newday #newhope #newstrength 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired 
#mumslife #happymum #happylawyer 
#womeninlaw
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully 
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
#dailyquotesforyou #wisewordsoftheday 
#thoughtoftheday
#perspectiveiseverything
#havehope
Here's to surviving the first week back at work! ☕️🎉🙌
.
Facing another big week ahead trying to chanel some back to school energy as we enter a new chapter of life with both kids now highschoolers! 👩‍🏫🎒📚
.
Are you on top of the back to school prep or have you left things till the last minute? 🤪
.
Sending out good vibes to all Aussie parents this weekend!💕
.
#firstweek #saturdayvibe #chillaxing #backtoschoolagain #energyneeded #preparationiskey #parenthoodmoments #sendinggoodvibes 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired #lawyering 
#mumslife #happymum #happylawyer
#womeninlaw 
#dowhatyoulovelovewhatyoudo #livecolourfully 
#catchingthecurveball
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer #brisbanelife #brisbanebusiness
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
In the next two decades we are going to see the la In the next two decades we are going to see the largest transfer of wealth from generation to generation in Australian history. 💥

We have all heard horror stories about how disputes over inheritance can destroy families and their businesses while hard earned inheritances are diminished paying legal costs. 💔

Sometimes making a will isn't enough to stop this. Nor is choosing not to a solution. 😪

What if I told you there is a way to manage inheritance  conversations (pre death or post death) without starting a family war? 💫

Want to know more? Head to the Australian Association of Collaborative Professionals (AACP) website where you can find brochures specifically designed to outline respectful methods to manage wills and estate disputes and family inclusive estate planning. 

Checkout the links in my linktree for more details!

#collaborativeestates #collaborativepractice #teambasedresolution #Inheritance #willsandestates #legacyoflove #abetterway 
#lawyersofinstagram #lawyerslife #lawlife #lawinspired #lawyering #lifeofalawyer
#womeninlaw
#resolveestatelaw #brisbanelawyer
#probate #compassionatelawyer
#choosecompassion #bekindalways
#zintaharris
Follow on Instagram
  • Facebook
  • instagram
  • linkedin
  • pinterest